the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
