I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Randomize
