I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I am spending my child support on dildos
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
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