Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Randomize
