u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
so we'll all just be running around naked, basically. and high.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
Randomize
