My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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