I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
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