Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
