her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
