If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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