you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
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