i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
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