just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
At least life still wants to fuck me.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
