He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
