i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
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