I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
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