I think my fart just growled at me.
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Randomize
