Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Randomize
