My first STD was from a foam party
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
