I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
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