Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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