I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
