If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
fuck your aforementioned shoe
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Randomize
