a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
foreskin is a definite game changer
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
