I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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