i just sent this text using only my big toe
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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