I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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