I love black thongs
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Randomize
