big game today.. looking forward to seeing that magic win, and then i will celebrate with a nude dip in lake Eola.. anyone else in??
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
