Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
Btw you guys passed out eating DP dough and watching Pocahontas... on a monday
it was stoner heaven..
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