I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
So just to get a feel for things...how prone are you to male Amish strippers...
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
