I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
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