She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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