She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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