come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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