If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Randomize
