is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
