so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
Randomize
