i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
