i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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