Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Randomize
