one two three fourrrrnication!
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
