Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
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