if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
