somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
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