apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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