I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I just want nice things and good sex
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
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