I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
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