she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
yeah but I shoulda known it\'d be bad when he start rubbing my pubic bone instead of the clit! Awkkkkwarddd
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
