i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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