birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
